The Secret Blog of Steve Jobs

| February 23, 2007

Yes! Really! Jobs has his own blog! I mean, read this entry and tell me that this isn’t really being written by Steve Jobs:

Well the engineers want to kill me but you know what, I know how to design products. And I’m sorry, this circuit board for the iPhone is just way too friggin ugly. There’s no balance. You’ve got this long skinny piece on the left and then nothing on the right to balance it out. And the big chip should be right in the middle, not off center. And the two little gold pieces on the right should be lined up straight. I mean there’s a million problems with this design. Just look at it. You’ve got all these little skinny lines on one side then big fat lines on the other, with loads of space. WTF? So I told them go back and redo it. I want it perfectly symmetrical. They’re like, Steve, nobody is gonna see the circuit board. I’m like, Yes, but I’ll know it’s in there, and that will ruin it for me. They’re like, Steve, it’s not just about looks, because the thing won’t work right if we move the chips the way you want them. I’m like, You know what, try it. Just do it and let’s see. They’re like, Dude, with all due respect, we’re electrical engineers, okay? We know what we’re talking about. One guy goes to the white board and starts trying to give me a lesson in how electric current flows through a circuit. I’m standing there, just shaking with rage, and I’m like, Excuse me, but please put down that marker and then go to your desk and fire yourself. Okay? Thank you. No, I’m serious.

After he left the other guys told me he was the lead engineer on the project. Oh well. Too bad. Guess you’ll all have to work that much harder now eh?

Folks, this is probably the single most important product we’ve ever made. This is going to define the new Apple. This thing has to be like a Porsche. Or a really well-made Swiss watch. I want it to be perfect. Inside and out.

Of course, Steve takes his shots at other people, such as Bill Gates and David Geffin and Nicholas Negroponte.

And while we’re speaking of Jobs, here’s a video roundup of some of his favorite expressions.

Now, having mocked Steve a bit, I will be frank: I give him full credit not only for saving Apple but for saving personal computing in general. Here’s a simple thought-experiment: imagine what the state of personal computing would be today if:

  • Apple had never been founded
  • The Apple II had never been released
  • The Macintosh had never been released
  • Jobs hadn’t come back to Apple and saved it from its rapidly approaching oblivion (e.g., being purchased by Sun)

I’ve been involved in the personal computer industry for over 25 years, and I can tell you that it would likely be a very different place. In fact, someone with more time and talent than I have should do a “A World without Apple” video matching the “A World without America” advert from 18 Doughty Street.
Enjoy. ..bruce..

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Category: Humor, Information Technology

About the Author ()

Webster is Principal and Founder at Bruce F. Webster & Associates, as well as an Adjunct Professor of Computer Science at Brigham Young University. He works with organizations to help them with troubled or failed information technology (IT) projects. He has also worked in several dozen legal cases as a consultant and as a testifying expert, both in the United States and Japan. He can be reached at, or you can follow him on Twitter as @bfwebster.

Comments (2)

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  1. brucehoult says:

    Yeah I’ve been reading FakeSteve for months now. It’s geat. Very talented write and with very godo knowledge of the industry too.

    I imagine you must know the real one fairly well though, given your very early involvement with NeXT?

  2. bhenderson says:

    I find that blog hilarious and a bit too close to home. As someone who worked with Steve for a while, some of his fictitious rants are so dead on (while at the same time taking it to a cartoon like level) that I get Steve flash backs.