Marvels of Modern Science

| September 18, 2009
Coming soon to a hospital near you!

Coming soon to a hospital near you!

My former wife has worked, at various times, as a registered nurse, a childbirth educator, and a licensed midwife. My (current) wife also worked as a childbirth educator. In fact, the two of them became best friends while working together as childbirth rights activists in Utah County, the childbirth capital of the nation. (How I ended up marrying my ex-wife’s best friend — with them staying best friends — is an interesting and lengthy story that’s frankly none of your business.)

Anyway, when I ran across US Patent #3,216,423 (with schematic diagrams that are possibly NSFW) earlier today, I immediately sent the link to both of them. You need to scroll through all the patent diagrams to get the full flavor of the patent. I thought the net strapped between the woman’s legs was a nice touch.

Here’s the patent’s introduction:

The present invention relates to apparatus which utilizes centrifugal force to facilitate the birth of a child at less stress to the mother.

It is known, that due to natural anatomical conditions, the fetus needs the application of considerable propelling force to enable it to push aside the constricting vaginal walls, to overcome the friction of the uteral and vaginal surfaces and to counteract the atmospheric pressure opposing the emergence of the child. In the case of a woman who has a fully developed muscular system and has had ample physical exertion all through the pregnancy, as is common with all more primitive peoples, nature provides all the necessary equipment and power to have a normal and quick delivery. This is not the case, however, with more civilized women who often do not have the opportunity to develop the muscles needed in confinement.

It is the primary purpose of the present invention to provide an apparatus which will assist the under-equipped woman by creating a gentle, evenly distributed, properly directed, precision-controlled force, that acts in unison with and supplements her own efforts.

Yeah. Leaving aside the “primitive peoples” remark and the concern about atmospheric pressure differences between a woman’s womb and the outside world, I think that being strapped to a large centrifuge and being whirled around would definitely result in “less stress to the mother.” It would make a great addition to any hospital’s obstetrics ward as well.

Maybe a modern implementation of the patent could use something like this:

I need to go see if someone has filed a patent on using a rocket sled to assist in childbirth.

Hat tip to Dave Barry.  ..bruce w..

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Category: Health and Fitness, Humor, Main, Video

About the Author ()

Webster is Principal and Founder at Bruce F. Webster & Associates, as well as an Adjunct Professor of Computer Science at Brigham Young University. He works with organizations to help them with troubled or failed information technology (IT) projects. He has also worked in several dozen legal cases as a consultant and as a testifying expert, both in the United States and Japan. He can be reached at bwebster@bfwa.com, or you can follow him on Twitter as @bfwebster.

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